Stature of a man

9am Visit the new Fox Trump America Is Great Again Academy that has opened in London, catering for the children of US expatriates, so that they feel as much at home as possible. It is part of the government’s attempt to ingratiate itself with the President. Like just about every other government in the world, Big Mother Theresa has brought together a team of top pyschologists to develop strategies for manipulating Trump’s ego. Relentless flattery seems to be the answer and a school dedicated to espousing the values of Fox News and Donald Trump is a key part of the British response. It has the added advantage of also keeping Rupert Murdoch on board, although hopefully he’ll be dead soon.

The school is all gold in colour: the outside, the inside, the desks, the toilets, the computers, everything. Even the statue of Robert E Lee that is being erected in the foyer is gold. Every effort has been made to make it all as vulgar as possible, a monument to the great psycho’s complete lack of taste. The school uniform is a bright orange with an overlong tie. The school has a number of mottoes: ‘Lock Her Up’, ‘Make America Great Again’, ‘Build the Wall’, ‘Loser’, with new ones added all the time. Obviously black and Latino students are not allowed and all female students have to pass the Trump Miss Universe test in order to get in. The school has a very strong US Christian ethos: homophobia, rampant sexism, racism, bullying verging on the fascist. All teaching is done by twitter with special attention being given to the great pycho’s own thoughts and wisdom. There is no science on the curriculum, history is ‘fake news’, maths consists of repeating 2+2=5 ad infinitum and the literature teaching is confined to reading comic books. Current affairs is especially impressive: intensive study of Breitbart News.

Only problem is the school policy of staff and students carrying automatic weapons but the school bossman, my old friend Joey No-Socks* has made clear that we live in a very dangerous world, indeed much more dangerous since Trump was elected, and that much of London is in the hands of the jihadis and under sharia law (as he put it: ‘even the mayor is a Moooslem for chrissakes!') The arming of staff and students is not negotiable: ‘if the NRA heard about it the Don could be in big trouble’, he tells me. We let the policy stand. After all if we allow the beheading of students at the Saudi Wahhabi Academy, we can hardly object to Americans carrying machine guns. And as they say, it’s not the gun that commits the crime but the American psychos who their ridiculous gun laws allow to carry them.

10.30am Another three Academy chains are in serious trouble with their funds disappearing off-shore. Amazed there is not more fallout about the extent that good old fashioned corruption has become a feature of school funding. Think the New Labour policy of privatising state education gradually, a step by step approach, has certainly been vindicated. It’s the boiling a frog strategy. People have got used to scandals over time which would have once led to ministerial resignations and forced policy changes. Still, on the bright side, the money has disappeared into good old fashioned British tax and dodgy money havens like Jersey. You’d think Jersey would have a really well-funded education system considering the amount of funding from British schools that has disappeared over there!

11.25am One of the greatest achievements of government education policy has been the extent to which it has made life more miserable for staff and students. I am really impressed by the reports from the De Sade Free School, part of the S and M chain, where students have, as a matter of policy, been refused permission to go to the toilet during lesson time so that they suffer the permanent humiliation of wetting themselves in class. The psychological damage this must do to them! Once upon a time, this sort of petty sadism was the work of the lone teacher pervert, hated by the kids and despised by the other staff, but now in school after school it is actually becoming official policy! Rules that would be considered an infringement of human rights in prisons are becoming accepted in our schools, and leading the way is the S and M chain, motto ‘No Pain, No Pain’. Really like their different shades of grey uniform as well. The permanent silence rule I find particularly encouraging. Not just no talking in class, but between lessons as well. Inspired. They hope to introduce gags eventually, but quite correctly are taking it a step at a time, preparing parents to accept this sort of thing as normal. What’s important is to make sure that kids leave school broken and without any hope of a better life. I think this is one of the government’s great success stories.

2pm Looking through the new post-Brexit geography curriculum. Much simpler now that Europe is just one amorphous lump labelled ‘Here Be Dragons'! We are also getting ready for the expected breakup of the United States which it seems President Trump is likely to provoke. More bloody work. And then there is the wholly futile attempt to get poor kids into Oxbridge. Why do we have to go through this farce. We all know Oxbridge doesn’t really want them. When you get down to it there are just not that many public school compatible poor kids. And anyway, would you like to sit next to one of them. We’ll just have to pretend to be doing something about it yet again.

And then all of a sudden, completely out of the blue, news of a full-scale revolt at the Spartacus Academy in Luton of all places (school motto ‘I Am Spartacus’). Apparently the staff and students have overthrown the head teacher, Nero, who was on the fiddle, and established a revolutionary student, teacher and parent council that has taken over and called for revolution throughout the whole education system.

4pm It has become clear that the Spartacus revolt is what comes of not having a tight enough control over the curriculum. Apparently the kids were allowed to study some revolution that happened in Tsarist Russia years ago and watched some old film in media studies. Mind you one of my colleagues tells me that the very name of the school should have been a giveaway. We thought it was a school named after some Roman slave, teaching an acceptable slave ethos, but it turns out that it's named after the actual leader of a slave revolt! We are going to have a closer look at the Toussaint L’Ouverture Academy in Tottenham as well now.

All the resources of the curriculum police are being mobilised to both crush this revolt and to eradicate any memory that it ever took place. People must not even be allowed to imagine that schools could be run democratically. We have got to stamp this out.

8pm While the battle is still raging in Luton, I accompany Boss Greenie to the Annual Tory Bastards Awards. Jeremy Hunt gets the Biggest Tory Bastard Award for his continuing destruction of the NHS, Boris Johnson wins the Lying Tory Bastard Award for the umpteenth year running, while the Annoying Tory Bastard Award is closely fought out between Michael Gove and someone called Jacob Rees Mogg, neither of whom look fully human. Gove just wins it, but this Rees Mogg is obviously an idiot worth watching. The controversial new Grenfell Tower Massacre award is won by Sajid Javid for his contribution to the incredible revival of slum housing and the return of the slum landlord over recent years. Another great Tory triumph that has gone largely unnoticed except by the actual victims. The awards are presented by Richard Branson who regales us with his vision of a future where the super rich have used their billions to move off-world and live in luxury space habitats abandoning the heating-up world to its fate, have spent hundreds of millions in perfecting longevity treatments just for themselves (apparently this is why Murdoch is still alive!) and have replaced the labour of the poor, or drones as he puts it, with robots. And, he tells the assembled Tory politicians, there will be a place in this paradise for some of you. Happy days!

* For Joey No-Socks see Curriculum Cop 12


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